my brother just walked in here with a bunch of pancakes and was like ‘wow this is a whole lot of pancakes’ and then he closed his eyes and whispered to himself ‘but i am a whole lot of man’
me: you are so fucking annoying can you please CONTROL YOURSELF
so i lost my phone in school today and to test if the phone was mine the cop asked what my screeensaver was.
i had to tell her this
do you ever just wonder if there’s someone who secretly thinks about you and wants to talk to you but doesn’t know how